School of the Ages

Last year, I prepared a character interview for Celia Can Read in hope of her reading Level Three's Dream. As it turned out, this collaboration never materialized. Although publicity for Level Three's Dream is done (with lugubrious consequences), I still have the content, so here it is. Out of respect for Celia, I have taken her name out and substituted "Reviewer," but the questions are her character interview questions.

Character interview: Level Three, from School of the Ages 2: Level Three's Dream

Reviewer: So what is your name, young man?

Level Three: My name is Linus Luther Lopez but my internet name is Level Three and people call me Level Three but that's really not my magician name, so I can still have a magician name so I can say that I am called Mr. Magic. Now you have to call me Mr. Magic! So there!

Reviewer: Since Level Three is in the book title, can I please use that name?

Level Three: I guess you can say you met me on the Internet. Many people meet on the Internet and I used to go into chat rooms to talk about literature but they kept banning me from the chat rooms because I was telling people they were stupid. But they WERE stupid. Anyone smart could tell, but they didn't know they were stupid because they were too stupid to know that. You know?

Reviewer: How did you first meet your writer?

Level Three: Literature is my favorite thing and I read it all the time, but I like the classics like fairy tales and literature from the 1800's. I don't know why anyone writes anymore if they aren't as good as the classics. But this author says he likes all that stuff too so I guess he's okay but he's bald and I think maybe he was farting when I was talking to him and I didn't like that. But maybe it wasn't his farts I was smelling because I had roast beef and eggs for breakfast and I could have been farting too. But I didn't feel any farts. I like pudding, too. Pudding is good because.... Oh, forget it, you wouldn't understand those things.

Reviewer: Did you ever think that your life would end up being in a book?

Level Three: My life should be in a book because then people would read what I have to say and then they would really understand. No one understands, it's not fair. They just don't listen. Sometimes I get really mad and put them in my head.

Reviewer: You put people in your head? What does that mean, exactly?

Level Three: It means that I can make a world in my mind, and then I say "Get in my head" and the person goes in there and sees what I want him to see and hears what I want him to hear. The body stays behind unguarded and the mind is trapped in my world! No one else's magic works there. No spells. No hexing. Nothing! I like to use worlds from really good books and stories and from historical events that I read about. Like I use Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass in this book you're reviewing. But all the characters are me! No one should mess with me. I'll put you in my head! And then I have all the power, because I'm Mr. Magic! And no one else's magic works.

Reviewer: What are your favorite scenes in your book: the action, the dialogue, or the romance?

Level Three: I don't like romance, it's stupid and I don't understand it. This book has a lot of action and I was in some of it too, but I like talking. I like the part where I was explaining about Andrew Lang's fairy tales and Goldberry had to listen to me. I don't like romance but she's really pretty and I like to look at her.

Reviewer: Did you have a hard time convincing your author to write any particular scenes for you?

Level Three: I don't lie and I'm always the same all the time and everyone has to deal with me! So he had to do what I wanted or I would put him in my head! I like to read so he has to write things I like to read.

Reviewer: Do you infiltrate your writer's dreams?

Level Three: He doesn't dream about me. He dreams about Simon and Goldberry a lot. No one dreams about me because I won't let anyone do that. You go in my head and then I dream about you! I want to put you in my head, Reviewer, and then I can dream about you. You look like my mother except you're a lot younger. I'll make a dream where you're a princess and I'm the farm boy who wins you because he's so smart and brave that he fools the giant and cuts off his head, and then you and I will rule the kingdom together. That will be good. I think I'll do that tomorrow.

Reviewer: What do you like to do when you are not being actively read somewhere?

Level Three: I read books. I read all of Andrew Lang's fairy books and there are more than a dozen of those, and I read Robinson Crusoe and Gulliver's Travels and of course I read Lewis Carroll over and over because I want to understand the math. And I read a lot of grimoires, that's magic textbooks, because my dad has them, but they're dumb.

Reviewer: Are you currently engaged in a relationship?

Level Three: No, I like to look at girls but I don't want anyone to touch me. I'm autistic, you know. That's why. That's what the doctor says, he says I won't get married because of that. But I'm Mr. Magic so all the girls are going to want me someday. You'll see. And then I'll make them all sit and listen when I'm telling them what literature is really about.

Reviewer: Are you happy with the genre your writer has placed you in?

Level Three: I think I should be in a fairy tale. That's my favorite kind of literature. And by the way, there's no one else like me in fantasy literature. There are no characters like me in Harry Potter. They should have had me help them because I could put Voldemort in my head and then he would lose. If I keep people in my head long enough, they just stay there forever.

Reviewer: That sounds dangerous.

Level Three: Yeah, well... Never mind, I don't want to explain that to you. You wouldn't understand how my power really works!

Reviewer: If you could rewrite anything in your book, what would it be?

Level Three: I'd make people stop interrupting me when I'm talking. And I'd make Rocco and Mermelstein stop fighting. And I'd make the writer stop acting like Simon is the main character. I'm the one in the title, right? Right?

Reviewer: Do you like the way the book ended?

Level Three: Uh uh! You won't get me to talk about that because I would have to give away the ending and then there won't be any suspense, and suspense is really important to get people to keep reading. I like suspense but I also like when there's a lot of detail for me to pay attention to. I can memorize details from books to use in my head and also I can compare how many details are in one book to how many details are in another. There's a lot of detail in Robinson Crusoe. There are ten thousand three hundred ninety-five details. I counted.

Reviewer: Would you be interested in a sequel if your writer was so inclined?

Level Three: He said I can be in the fifth book of the series. The second book is about me even though Simon acts like it's about him. So I think in the fifth book I will push him aside because he's a little jerk.

Reviewer: I haven't met Simon in person, but I liked reading about him in The Ghost in the Crystal. Why do you say he's a little jerk?

Level Three: He interrupts me and he fights with me and he says he's going to help me but then he does things I don't like. And he doesn't help my sister Lorena when that rotten Mermelstein is bothering her.

Reviewer: Do you believe that you are suitably portrayed in electronic books or would you rather be in paperback only?

Level Three: I should be everywhere! I should have my own TV show! The Mr. Magic Show! I can interview characters from literature! I should be all over the world wide web and I should have my own video game and my own posters and have stores in the mall that sell only books that I like and there should be hats and shoes and t-shirts that say Mr. Magic on them. And Lorena can be on them, and my mother, and you, too. You can follow me around and write down what I say, like Boswell followed around Samuel Johnson. I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Reviewer: I think I'd rather keep doing book reviews. Did you have any input into the book cover design?

Level Three: They told me it's a really great book cover but it doesn't have a picture of me on it so I don't care.

Reviewer: What is your least favorite characteristic your writer has attributed to you?

Level Three: He says I have bad breath! Why do people worry about that? I don't need to brush my teeth all the time. It's boring! I have plenty of enamel left.

Reviewer: Do you have any secret aspirations that your author doesn't know about?

Level Three: If I could get a really big bowl I'd make the world's largest chocolate pudding. And then that little jerk Simon and that big hairy jerk Mermelstein can drown in it. And then I'll eat all the pudding.